One must let go of the old to make way for the new. Between the two there is an empty space. That space is filled with either doubt or hope. There is only potential. 

I ordered some notebooks off of walmart.ca that were suspiciously underpriced. I never received them and messaged customer service. This was the response:                                                                                                                            Hello ,Thank you so much for your great support on us. I have contacted the Post immediately but they told me it maybe lost. I am so angry for it and I will ask for the compensation from the Post. But it is our fault and I have refunded to you first. I am sorry for the inconvenience. Kind Regards. Walmart Customer Service Team                                                                                   Amen brother. No need to be angry. I am also sorry.

i ordered some chocolates . i limited myself to only one pack. as a measure of self discipline. lindors. sit and type. rise. brush your teeth. go to bed. what dreams will taunt me this night? i have recently learned that bosses don't use capitals. In some ways my thirties are a complete opposite of my twenties. some success at work and social isolation. a dream come true. words don't flow like they used to. when i was a child i typed like a child, i dreamed like a child, i ate chocolate like a child. they arrive tomorrow. amazon delivery!

We're back at Toyota this fine late evening! Where else would I get the most expensive tire change at 9pm? The kind gentleman at the counter also graciously made a list of items I had somehow neglected to service on my truck. Some of which are overdue by a few years. Now that I think of it, this is somewhat odd since I usually ask them to do any necessary service whenever I come in.. maybe the previous technicians didn't deem them necessary. Anyways, like the fantastic Toyota citizen that I am, I quickly asked them to take care of all the items and do any necessary inspections. I only briefly allowed my mind to wander and consider how much money I could be saving by going anywhere else. I am now waiting in this beautiful lobby for 2.5 to 3 hours with hockey playing on a screen 36 feet across from me. (I counted the 1'x 1' tiles.)Lately I have been thinking of which church I should give the immense privelge of my presence. A couple people just walked in and sat at the table right beside me. There are a bunch of other empty tables and seats available throughout this majestic Toyota hall but by some stroke of ingenious they have gravitated towards my presence. Surely they were drawn by my aura of awesomeness. They are trying to speak in low whispers.? Why not just sit farther away and then I won't hear your hushed conspiratorial voices of possibly going to a different mechanic next time. Dang this writing is getting awkward fast. I'm somewhat hopeful that I will post it. Hm why is that? Am I desiring to spread my awkwardness with the world? I can only imagine the unsuspecting victim who through some misfortune of misclicks wound up on this lovely run-on paragraph. They are noticing that I'm constantly typing on my phone. They probably think I have lots of friends. (Which I do.) 2.25 to 2.75 hours to go.

I've discovered a new song just now. It's the type that feels familiar. Teenage angst in my thirties is kinda awkward tbh. time feels fluid. like it's non-linear. if im not careful i feel like i could slip right off this moment . is discomfort the only way? they swim by like fishes . sinking into each sky. one by one  twenty four long. if i could control every particle in the universe i could not create more love. or could i?

I am in BC. Sitting by a pond or small lake. A bird flew by chirping. As people walk by I minimize the awkwardness by writing on my phone. My throat is a bit sore. Maybe I had too many cappuccinos lately. There are some ripples on the lake. I have to be at the airport in a few hours. Then back to my hectic work schedule. Thinking about work starts to lift me away from this serene place. I settle back down.

If by some ill fate of misfortune you haven't yet heard Jeff Buckley's rendition of Hallelujah I highly recommend you check it out. I especially like the video version on youtube. 31 is too young. It's almost a full moon..  and i'm feeling lunar. I had written a post before this one but then forgot to save it and lost it. It's fine. The sun shines every day. Not so the moon. I'm a moody one. at least i'm consistent.  hallelujah      and every breath    hallelujah ..  breath in .. hallelulah.. breath out .. hallelujah.. hello? are you there?

Thanks bye.

I had two jaw surgeries in 2019. My lower and upper jaw were cut and extended to correct underdevelopment. The second surgery was necessary to refasten the brackets in my upper jaw that had come loose. Approximately 1+ years later I started to notice how unsymmetrical the left and right sides of my face now are as a result of the surgery. There were some complications in the first surgery which caused it to take over 7 hours instead of the expected 2.5. There is some nerve damage around my chin and lip area as a result. Almost 4 years later the nerves are still progressively healing contrary to what the doctor said would be possible. Writing this while waiting for the service on my truck to finish makes me a bit emotional. The nerve damage further adds to my face's lack of symmetry. An odd concept; symmetry, balance. As all things should be. I've heard it said that a healthy tree is heavier on one side. Which is more important; structure or mercy? Of course it's mercy but the subconscious self doesn't understand this. Or I don't understand my subself. Who knew my Saturn return could cause such structural damage? Not me.. since I didn't believe in astrology at the time.

I want to remember. My experiences. Who I am. I spend a lot of time reliving and re-seeking the same things. If I could remember.. how much progress I could make. I *can make. I've heard someone say that the word magic simply means 'to make'. Why do we forget? Perhaps to minimize trauma.. or to clear up space in the mind for new memories. But why do we forget the moments and experiences we are striving after? A moment passes and it is immediately forgotten. Recently I read something I had written in my journal earlier in the day. It seemed to be written by someone else. The person I am at the beginning of the day seems to morph into someone completely different by the end of the day. "Remember yourself always and everywhere." - Gurdjieff. I am more than the changing feelings and thoughts that pass through me. When I fall past them I seem to reach a familiar place. 

These posts are more or less stream of consciousness type of writing. The goal is mostly for self therapeutic purposes. I mention this to lower your expectations so that it is easier to exceed them. *sigh* I've been watching some anime lately. I wonder why Japanese voice actors are so much better than English ones.. it must be something to do with the culture I think. I wouldn't be a very good voice actor since it's hard for me to speak clearly. Also, I'm not Japanese. I haven't been indoor rock climbing in a while. I started playing Aoe2 recently. I want to get good at the game quickly but I also just want to play for fun as well.. struggles. *sigh* Everything I do feels tiring. 

"If you find out that Jesus is not the truth, that there is a higher truth than Jesus.. Would you abandon Jesus for the pursuit of Truth?" This is a question that I was exposed to as a child by my then favourite preacher. A very fascinating question. As a child I thought the correct answer was 'we follow the truth no matter where it leads'. This would then justify our unwavering belief in christianity because it is not based simply on feelings or personal bias but on something impersonal; Truth; The highest pursuit of Knowledge. But here is what Richard's response was: "If I found out that Jesus was not the truth I would abandon the truth and follow Jesus." This is not the response of a theologian or of a scholar but of someone who is in love.

Hello there,I'm feeling a little stuck. I've managed to ascend on high to the upper slopes of the 1200s .. but alas I find myself yet again at the foot of the mountain with these other 800s plebs. Due to my massive intellect I sometimes have difficulty constraining my thoughts to the simple movements of online chess pieces. Why are we here again? Why do we fall? The queen finds a way to blunder herself. The pawns have difficulty holding formation. The bishops looking for anyway to escape the board. Oh Lord how long shall the wicked exult? Perhaps a bit of discretion could be prudent.            

I listen to meditation exercises at 2x speed to reap double the benefits.      While at work I thought I'd sit down on my painting tools for a quick break but then figured I should keep working since I'm on a roll. (◔_◔)     I have a vision board in my room where I put up things that inspire me. I have recently put up some photos of myself.

I've contemplated writing fiction. Sometimes I enjoy reading fantasy or even sci-fi books. I realized I probably wouldn't be very good but at least it seems like it would be a good creative outlet. The problem is that I can't think of anything that is more fascinating than the current 'reality' that we are living in. This was a bit of a revelation to me since I consider myself to have quite an expansive imagination having grown up immersed in fiction for a portion of my younger life. I've always been searching for an escape I suppose. Sometimes I still do (when I'm painting baseboards for days on end at work..) I feel frustrated. Perhaps the search for an escape is actually a search for truth and meaning in disguise. But not truth in the form of simple knowledge but experiential knowledge. Whenever I feel as I do now I usually go back to listening to my favourite preacher; Chris Blackeby. I actually have a message playing in the background along with soft music as I'm typing this. It's interesting how the tone of someone's voice can be as impactful as what they say. I'm still working on my chess career. My elo has recently been hovering in the mid 1100s (although it is temporarily in the upper 1000s atm.)

Hello, I thought I would write another post. I reached the 900s. Sorry about the melodramatic fluff in the last post. This past week was very tiring; I painted a lot of ceilings (It's a bit harder than painting walls). As I'm writing this I'm listening to relaxing music by Pedar B. Helland and I just noticed that the colourful 'stickies' are floating around. Fascinating! I'm really impressed with how Marcelle expanded on my original website design idea. I guess I don't have a lot to say. I feel melancholic. Yet at the same time .. kinda 'glowy' .. if that makes any sense. I've been learning some new meditations which have been super fun. I feel stretched and drawn in many directions yet not really going far in any. Perhaps the striving is the problem. Perhaps problem oriented thinking is the problem. lol. The dots look kinda like stars.. I had a lucid dream recently where I was quickly going up a square ascending staircase. I soon started to wonder on the nature of the reality I was in. I then was immediately 'out' and looking at the staircase as a set of still photos. It was an optical illusion type of staircase that actually doesn't lead up or down (search penrose stairs in google). Not quite sure what it means. Perhaps its showing me that I'm striving when I'm supposed to just be.

Other people are bright, I alone am dark. Other people are sharp, I alone am dull. Other people have a purpose, I alone don't know. I drift like a wave on the ocean, I blow as aimless as the wind. -Tao Te Ching verse 20. This has been especially true of my chess playing of late. Having started my journey with Elo in the mid 600s I started having success after setting my facing towards the 1200s. But after an initial boost of about 200 Elo I find myself falling back to the mid to upper 700s. I find myself loosing focus. The last game I played I imagined my pawns to be a medieval army and marched them forward one by one in perfect rank. The tactic was not changed until all fell and the king was captured. This was a great tragedy. Is this how Shakespeare felt when writing Macbeth? Once the course is set how can one turn back? Why should darkness be inferior to lightness? Or dullness to Sharpness? Why is winning always the goal? Do those who climb the mountain not have to come back down? Which is more important; the climbing or the descending? Having come back down with face shining like the sun, is it difficult to look down upon the dull darkness around us? Is the veil for them or for us?